(This story was written for a MATURE LGBTQ publication, please continue reading being aware of this.)
Some writers write best drunk. I write best horny. And fuck, does my joystick understand a video game’s talent for delayed gratification. So close, yet so far. I’m on a hot streak, so let’s START and SELECT which candidates are overheating my game consoles – and they should be overheating yours, too. So make sure to use the safety strap included with your Wii remotes for a good “waggle” session. Because we’re all scoring tonight, Gaymers! Let’s see who came to play.
1. Leon S. Kennedy (Resident Evil Series)
I love a man who’s got it all under control (including me.) Leon is as cool under the collar as he is capable of handling any situation and landing the most charming, cheezy one-liners. He’s a rookie cop turned special agent who became the best man for even the worst zombie outbreak. He’s so badass he starred in two movies (Degeneration, Damnation). But what’s amazing about Leon, aside from his jaw-dropping talent for executing survival tactics like a thing of beauty, is that he’s a flirt and has a honed sense of duty and higher purpose.
2. Dante (Devil May Cry Reboot)
Then there are those days you want a rebel. And it doesn’t get any more rebellious than the spawn of an angel and a demon. Dante from the Devil May Cry Reboot (sorry purists) is foul-mouthed, arrogant and shameless, but he holds it all back just enough to let us know that he’s just there to do what needs to be done. Even if it’s done with the most bad-boyish attitude. You can tell that he cares and that he gives… any type of authority a well-endowed middle finger. And likely one hell of a pounding for everyone else. For the love of God and Satan please be a bisexual.
3. Ratchet (Ratchet and Clank series)
This one’s for my Furry friends who can appreciate the personhood behind the fur. I know you love the ears as much as the rest of this Lomax. There was a time in our youth when games were defined by a generation of cute characters, but there’s no denying that the space adventurer known as Ratchet has grown with us into a surprisingly human-like hero with a heart set on a mission. One can’t say if it’s the value he puts into his friendship with his little bot-buddy Clank, his very telling eyes, how dimensional he feels or how much evolution we’ve seen from this character over the past 13 years. But apparently he had enough charm to make the leap to big screen later this year in his first movie, Ratchet and Clank! Maybe we all “dig the ears” as he would say.
4. Kilik (Soul Calibur series)
I like a guy with a big stick. I also love a guy with a huge dick, but that’s not why Kilik made the list (or so he told me to say). Kilik, like so many weapon-wielding warriors from cultures around the world, was one of many destinies changed forever when a sword possessed by mankind’s violent urges drove his temple mad. For the next 20 years of the series, his story would be distinguished by his strong will, sense of justice and quest for redemption, purity and enlightenment. But he has arguably become the symbol of the staff-fighter in games, combining the beauty of the staff with the beauty of the male body in motion with it.
5. Kratos (God of War series)
Kratos would be the definition of an angry top… And I’ll be the first to admit that I hate Kratos. But DAMN all the stuff he could do to me! The insatiably vengeful and eternally enraged deliverer of death to the Olympian Gods, Kratos is merciless and ruthless in taking what is his. There was also the notorious side-mission of him destroying some “pussy” off screen, so you can only hope, it being Greece and all, that he wouldn’t be opposed to using up some “man-pussy” too, if presented the opportunity. He’d give new meaning to being “used and abused”.
6. Nathan Drake (Uncharted Series)
Nate is a dream. And he’s living the dream of the world’s greatest adventurer, like the inscription on his necklace says, “Greatness from Small Beginnings”. A necklace that he lifted as a young boy living on the streets of Columbia. Indeed, just wanting to make a name for himself, he pulls off amazing feats of daring and courage while searching for lost cities or priceless treasures. Cocky, with the sharpest wit, an ass-kicker but adorably naïve, Nate is a man who also stole the hearts of many aspiring adventurers like myself worldwide. If only I could meet a man like that – that’s what my dreams are made of.
Time for pillow talk, and a little break…
It’s a reality all gay men face: once you’re hooked onto something you oh-so like, you can’t keep your hands off it. But we’re talking about virtual reality here. And, yeah… the same rules apply. I’ve aligned my crosshairs more on the men than my objective in video games many times, but I’m willing to sacrifice a life or two for some of the hunks of the digital world. Doesn’t matter if I’m gawking at cells or pixels; a sexy pixel is a sexy mother-fucking pixel, m‘kay? Here’s an expansion pack if you enjoyed last batch.
OK! LET’S GO BABY! ROUND 2!
6. Isaac Clarke (Dead Space series)
No one likes a man with issues, but Isaac from Dead Space is my messed-up pet project. Fucked up, but still so fuckable. (Certainly fuck-with-able?) So, have you ever had that desire to fix someone, to be that one person he needed so badly? It’s called the Florence Nightingale effect, and Isaac’s touching desperation to find his girlfriend won my heart… to find her alive somewhere in a spaceship overrun by horrific reanimations of what was left of the crew’s bodies. Since day one, that’s been his existence: never a moment of rest, always alone, constantly betrayed yet hopelessly kind. (Respect to you my breathe-a!) That’s loyalty, and it’s so sexy. Also, the camera’s constant fixed view of his skin-tight suits hugging that smooth moving frame was always nice eye candy while playin-Oh fuck I died again.
7. Link (Legend of Zelda series)
Everyone loves a hero, and Link fits the bill of your iconic legendary one. Cute, adorable, handsome and gallant; he’s full equipped with the full package. So many Links to choose from: one for every queen who’s a princess in need of rescuing at heart. Link is timeless and has no shortage of the courage needed to take on the most formidable monsters. He has such a big heart he has three! He’s as humble as a “Yes or No” dialogue option and is so shy he’s completely silent! But his prince-of-the-woods charm more than makes up for it. The way he wears that cute little green that, those golden flowing locks, his tunic that begs for more than just a peek under that… BIG. LONG. MASTER. SWORD. (Fangasm) Oh Link!
7. Dracula (Castlevania series)
After 30 years, Konami decided that Castlevania was due for a reboot, so in the new series, Lords of Shadow, fans were introduced to a Dracula-slaying archetype that we were all familiar with – a knight carrying the surname of Belmont: Gabriel. He was beautiful, gentle and righteous but had a frailty about him. Gabriel’s heart was burdened, but he believed that his faith in God and love for his wife would lead him down the right path. Little did we know that not only would he would pay the heaviest price for his great deeds, he was also destined to become the very monster we had been slaying for 30 years, Dracula himself. (Talk about a stake through the heart, Konami!)
“I cannot die. Yet, I cannot live.” are now his words. In the new series, we would only see Gabriel fall deeper and deeper into an abyss of irredeemable self-loathing: a hollow shell of a monster abandoned by everything he believed in, unfeeling and void of a soul. For any gamer who holds within them the same righteous spirit, the sad irony of Gabriel’s story is weighty and only makes your heart weep for him like the most tragic of characters in storytelling.
Every part of you wished there was hope for him. But there’s not.
8. Sly Cooper (Sly Cooper series)
One more for my Furry readers! Even if he’s not quite human, if he’s got the moves, if he’s got the charm, he’s got my attention… or at least I thought he did because he ROBBED ME BLIND. What did he steal? My heart. Master thief of France and oh-so devilishly clever, Sly Cooper is a descendent of a long line of thieves from every era and part of the world. I’m not sure if it’s that smooth-talking voice, those wickedly fast and slick moves or the even quicker wit, but Cooper is an unforgettable personality in the gaming world. This is a gaming mascot with tons of charisma – thanks to the intersection of great humor, excellent writing and so much staying power, he will soon be seeing his first feature film.
9. Joel (Last of Us series)
A man that loves his kid is an attractive quality alone. But in the brutal post-apocalyptic United States that Joel lives in, love is all this man has to hold on to. And that was what The Last of Us was about: holding on to what makes us human when so little humanity is left. Joel was a just a struggling working man and loving father when a mind-altering plague turned the country into a lawless wasteland and someone dear to him was killed by a US soldier “just following orders”. Joel’s humanity is tarnished, and he knows it, but his guarded masculinity, the obvious cracks in his psyche he makes no attempt to hide and simple southern-man vibe strike a attractive swagger. A kind of swagger any country boy would find alluring. Let’s just hope there’s plenty for all of us – or at the very least, some saved for the rest of us.
10. WHAT? Pyramid Head!? (Silent Hill series)
(Or the psychological tormentor of your deepest desires!) Deep, huh? Well, how’s this for deep: Silent Hill is a town that exists in a multiverse occupied by both holy and satanic energies where everything becomes a manifestation of our subconscious sexual desires and psychological tormentors. Silent Hill is a place where we’re challenged to survive in the abyss of our own minds. It’s a town that understands that our desire for sex, our fear for the flesh and even our impulse to kill are one in the same. It knows us better than we do.
For example, Pyramid Head (inarguably the franchise’s most memorable and sexy tormentor) was a manifestation of one character’s heavy guilt and frustrated libido, which therefore existed merely to senselessly kill and brutally rape. Arguably, something’s to be said about a monster that viscerally embodies all your darkest sexual fantasies and fears simultaneously– what would your tormentor be like? What would he look like? How would he intimidate you and invoke in you an animal fear and arousal like you’ve never known? Silent Hill is quite expert matchmaker in this regard!
“The constant partner of sex, the other side of the same coin is… death. Sex is death. It’s a leap into the void, the great loss of self. The tiger in space. A plea for annihilation.” – Kaufman, Silent Hill
..man, that just got deeper and deeper didn’t it?
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